Already spent your bailout money? Not to worry, the Grinder has Five Rules for living high on a low budget.

Most of the money-saving tips you read are pretty lame. You know, that Martha Stewart/Happy Homemaker "brush your teeth with baking soda" stuff. Do you really need someone to tell you that cooking at home is cheaper than going out, or that generics are cheaper than name brands? After exhaustively testing dozen of money-saving methods, including do-it-yourself dentistry and using an extension cord to steal electricity from the neighbors, the Grinder has come up with Five Rules you can really use.

#5 Stop Driving Like an Idiot

Flooring the gas pedal, braking hard and flooring it again through traffic is the driving style of a moron. It wastes gas, will wear out the vehicle sooner, and ends up costing you big bucks in speeding tickets and insurance premiums. Also, driving that way makes you look like a teenage, zit-faced douchebag who thinks that having a leadfoot makes him a big man. There is a time to drive fast, people, and it is not when anyone else can see you.

#4 Buy in Bulk

Sure, times are tight and it's hard to stockpile. If all your money is going to food, shelter and clothing, stocking up on cotton swabs just doesn't have much appeal. But buying in volume at club stores like Sam's and Costco will save you major bank, particularly if you only buy items you are absolutely sure to use. Avoid, for instance, the 50-gallon drum of Hot Tamales. You will only end up hating a candy you once loved. Toilet paper is a better choice. Barring a colostomy, as long as you draw breath upon the earth, there will never, ever be a time in your life when you will not need toilet paper; which is either scary or weirdly comforting, depending on your worldview. Granted, there is something awkward about approaching a checkout counter with, say, 2,000 rolls of toilet paper in tow. People might think you have a hideous bowel disease or perhaps a fiber fetish. Either that or they'll think you are planning a really awesome prank.

#3 Pay For Sex

As every man suspects in his dark little heart, getting sex from escorts is much cheaper in the long run than bars and dating. Also, with an escort, you are considerably more likely to have sex. Considerably. Sure, patronizing hookers can give you nasty diseases and leave you spiritually bereft, unable to truly connect with another human soul. So? These are tough times. Everyone has to make sacrifices. Yours might have to be intimacy.

#2 Sneak liquor into bars, concerts and night clubs

First, please note that sneaking booze into places that sell liquor is almost always illegal—a big liquor code violation. It is also vaguely immoral. If everyone did it, after all, the bars would go out of business. Also keep in mind that you might get busted; embarrassed in front of your friends, tossed out on your ass (literally), and possibly be roughed up by a steroid-addled bouncer with nothing better to do than take out his lifelong frustrations on your rib cage. That said, a $20 half-pint of vodka will get you just as buzzed as $100 worth of drinks at the bar.

#1 Don't Buy Crap

If you are a woman, and your home was not recently destroyed in a flood, fire or other natural disaster, there is at least one thing we can say about you, with no other knowledge of your life, and be sure that it is utterly and incontrovertibly true: You already have enough shoes. Don't buy more. Men can apply the previous statement to themselves. Just replace the word "shoes" with "hats."

你已經花費自己救急用的錢了嗎？不要擔心，Grinder有教你五招如何低預算過高水準生活。

你讀過的大多數省錢竅門都站不住腳。你知道，瑪莎·斯圖爾特/快樂家庭主婦推薦“用碳酸氫鈉刷牙”。但你真的需要有人告訴你，在家里做飯比在飯店吃便宜嗎，或告訴你仿制的比知名品牌便宜嗎？經過詳盡的測試十幾種省錢的方法，其中包括DIY牙科護理和使用延長電線從鄰居家偷電，Grinder推薦了五條您可以真正使用的規則。

＃ 5停止像白癡一樣駕駛

駕車時踩油門，硬剎車和反復踩油門是低能兒的駕駛風格。這樣做即浪費汽油，又加快汽車磨損，并且最終你會付出更多的超速罰單和保險費用。此外，這種駕駛風格會使你看起來像一個乳臭未干、滿臉青春痘的傻逼，這些人總以為開得快就牛逼。其實當沒人看到你的時候，你完全可以開快點。

＃ 4批量購物

當然，時間緊，很難儲存。如果你所有的錢都用來吃飯，付房費和買衣物，囤積棉花棒確實沒有太多的吸引力。但在俱樂部商店成批購物，比如山姆商店和Costco，將會為你節省一大筆錢，特別是如果你購買的物品是你絕對要用的。例如避免批量購買50加侖的熱玉米面包餡卷。那樣你只會討厭你曾喜歡的糖果。衛生紙是一個比較好的選擇。除結腸造口手術之外，只要你在世一天，你就需要衛生紙。這即令人感到恐怖又令人感到欣慰，這取決于您的世界觀。當然，接近結帳柜臺時也會碰到尷尬的場面，也就是說，一次成批購買2000卷衛生紙。人們可能會認為你有一個可怕的腸道疾病或者纖維戀物癖。要么或者他們會認為你是一個令人敬畏的惡作劇。

＃ 3花錢做愛

由于每個男人都會懷疑自己邪惡的一面，從長遠來看，從臨時女友身上得到性愛比從酒吧和約會時得到性愛要便宜的多了。此外，你和臨時女友當然更有可能發生性行為。相當有可能。的確，招妓可能會讓你傳染性病，并且你在精神上感到空虛，更無法真正觸及另一個人的靈魂。所以呢？這些都是艱難的時刻。每個人不得不作出犧牲。你的臨時女友可能不得不要和你發生性行為。

＃ 2把酒偷偷地帶進酒吧、音樂會和夜總會

首先，請注意，偷偷帶酒到賣酒的地方幾乎都是非法的——重大的酒法規違例。并且，這也是不道德的。如果每個人都這樣做，畢竟，酒吧將會倒閉。同時請記住，您可能會被逮住；在你的朋友面前出丑,摔爛你的屁股，并有可能被激素失調的保鏢粗暴對待，并把他們一生的挫折感發泄在你身上。話雖如此，但20美元的半品脫的伏特加就等于在酒吧消費價值100美元的飲料。

＃ 1不買沒用的

如果你是一個女人，你的家最近沒有被水災，火災或其他自然災害摧毀，在不了解你的生活的情況下，至少有一件事我們可以對你發表意見，并且可以肯定它完全毫無疑義是事實：你已經有足夠的鞋。不要再買了。把“鞋”換成“帽子”，這句話對男人來說也是適用的。