When we are in the depths of our loneliness, what comforts us – what could possibly take us away from it? What, indeed? So often, it feels like there is no solace; like we are running from our own shadow. And it is true, in a way. There is no escape from being alone. We are always alone. But there is a way out of loneliness.

All our efforts at escaping loneliness are fundamentally flawed, for we don’t understand the nature of what we are running from. There is something beautiful about your loneliness. And when you see that, when you acknowledge it, learn to delight in it, that’s when something shifts inside you. When your loneliness becomes aloneness – that is freedom! That is when you can truly begin to Love!

Fragmentation and the search for wholeness

As Osho once said – the first thing is to acknowledge aloneness. Aloneness is our true nature; we can never, ever, not be alone. We come into this world alone, we leave the world alone. And in between these two, we are alone – but we frantically hide from it, run from it, pretend it isn’t true.

I remember analysing an attachment style test in a psychology class once. It aimed to discover how secure we are in our relationships. One of the questions was: “Do you ever feel like you want to completely merge with another?”

The room erupted into an awkward, hesitant burst of laughter at such a question. How absurd! – they seemed to be saying. But I remained silent. An old memory struck me, and I remembered feeling that same depth of loneliness, once, a long time ago. Or perhaps it never truly left me – an alienation so deep that the only way out truly seemed to be melting into another person.

Feeling cut-off in the middle of a lunchtime crowd, feeling alone when cuddling with a girlfriend; always on the outside looking in at life. I remember glancing around at my fellow students. The look on their faces – it seemed like many felt the same way.

This alienation is the universal dilemma of human existence – never at ease, never at home. It drives almost everything we do. Loneliness and separation is an intrinsic, permanent part of our ego.

In the teachings of non-duality, the core of many religions and philosophies, the message is simple – we are all part of the infinite, ever-present, eternal One Life. We are all deeply interconnected and inseparable.

The ego, then, is the universal illusion, the exaggerated feeling of “I”, and the root of all our solitude. For the moment we feel we are “I”, that is the moment we have created the “Not-I”, the other, everything else. We become a fragment, cut off from the rest of existence. We become a dot in this world, forgotten by God.

This sense of fragmentation, for some – perhaps the ones who couldn’t laugh in the lecture hall – is conscious. It shows up as a deep and constant sense of not being whole, of not being enough.

For others, those who laughed at the test, this sense is unconscious. They lack something, but they don’t know what it is. And so they seek, and strive, and struggle, yet all the time not knowing what it is they are trying to fill. More belongings, more sex, more status, more power, more recognition, more, more, more. Almost all their efforts stem from this drive for self-completion. But it is all futile – we are throwing our energies down a bottomless pit. That we are trying to fulfil is the very thing that is causing our lack.

Romance – the new alcohol

Romance is perhaps the most common cover-up for the sense of fragmentation. If we are lonely, it must make sense that we need a special someone! Logical and cold, like a business transaction. A boyfriend, a girlfriend, a lover, someone, anyone! We have reduced them to a mere cover up for our sorrows – no different from the misuse of alcohol, the noise of our television, or killing time on the phone until we can next be with someone – as if we have so much time to kill!

Sex is the closest we can get to oneness on a physical level, and that is why it is so deeply satisfying. And when we peer deeper into our heart, fragmentation shows up as a need to attach, to cling, to melt and to merge. How many people are conscious of this lack? How common is this primordial sense of alienation? Common enough to show up on a standardised psychological test.

And so we look for someone to take away that feeling. When we are with someone, we can take our mind off that background sense of disharmony. Suddenly, our existence seems to have meaning. “I am not alone!” You exclaim, as you cuddle, hug, and kiss. “I have someone who needs me, who wants me! I am beautiful, I am wanted, I am worthy! I am no longer alone!”

And yet, a mere cover-up is all they will ever be. Even when we are with our loved ones, we are still just as we are – alone.

A few weeks ago, I was watching a documentary on the “host” sub-culture, in the nightclub districts of an affluent country. It revolved around handsome young men - dressed up gaudily, highly trained in seduction, paid to lounge around in special bars. They play host to multitudes of women – often young, pretty, and rich – who pay for their company, their caresses, and their idle flattery.

The film focused in particular on the finest host in town – a charming man who owned his own bar. He was living the dream. His prowess with women made other men pale in comparison. He stole women away from their husbands and boyfriends. Women fought over him, sometimes physically, sometimes by throwing money at him, and he goes home with a different one every night. It seemed he would be the last man on Earth to feel alienated.

Near the end of the documentary, I remember the interviewer asking him if it was all worth it. He hangs his head and sighs. “It was all fun for the first few years. But after a while… I don’t know. It doesn’t matter anymore. I am the loneliest man in the world.”

The beauty of aloneness, and the sorrow of loneliness

If romance and sex, if money and fame and recognition offer no relief, what does one do? When you are in the throes of heartache and loneliness, what good are the teachings on oneness and inter-existence? Unless you can experience what they are pointing to – how do they comfort you?

Pretty words to fill your head, and then you close the book and turn to look at your bed, and find it as cold and lonely as it was before. If we can never not be alone, what then? All I can offer is a change of perspective.

Another quote from Osho, then: Aloneness is beautiful, it is grand. Loneliness is sorrowful, it is despair.

On the surface, they look the same. But in reality, they are worlds apart.

Aloneness is our nature. Loneliness is us running away from it.

You are alone. Why make it into a problem? Relax into your loneliness; into your sadness. Don’t run from your aloneness, for it is always there. Celebrate being alone, delight in yourself, dance in your aloneness. If you can’t, then you will forever be running away. Love yourself. It is the only way.

Simply sit down, and be lonely. Don’t think about it. Just feel it. Relax into it, and then you’ll find that your sadness has its own sacredness. Being alone is the perfect chance for you to go deeper into yourself. See all your subtleties, face yourself squarely, and gaze at all the parts you don’t want to. Bring it all up into the light of your awareness, and accept them, love them.

We go off into the city, into the office, into the nightclubs, to run from our aloneness. The teachers, the gurus, the Zen masters – they go off into the mountains so they can get better acquainted with it.

So what? Then what? Once you delight in yourself, then – and only then – can you truly delight in the other. It’s a paradox, one of the biggest ones in the world. Only when you no longer need a lover; that is when you can find romance. Anything else is a sham, a pale imitation.

To be needed and to be loved

A sham. That’s what the entire game of romance is. Who is our “romance” really about? Us, and us alone. We say – I love you. But what we really mean is – Please love me. Manipulation is all it is.

Manipulation to fill our gaps, so we can feel loved, to feel needed. In fact, we have come to confuse the two words – being needed, to us, is the same as being in love!

A friend of mine was complaining to me about something very strange. Her husband had begun to discover the joys of aloneness. He had become meditative, more content and quietly joyful. He loved and laughed when he was with her, but he was also beginning to enjoy his solitary time. He was starting to see that there was nothing lacking, that he no longer needed her to feel complete.

And she began going insane. She became worried; her suspicions began overwhelming her. Why is he so content, so happy? What was he doing in his solitary walks in the park? Is there another woman? She followed him, but he did nothing wrong – he just walked. She spied on him when he was alone in the study, but he did nothing wrong there either – he was meditating, reading, praying. No forbidden love, no strange fetish.

“Why?” she wailed. “What is going on?” Why was she upset? That would be a better question. He no longer needed her, and to her it felt like he was falling out of love. But he wasn’t – in fact, he was falling in love for the first time.

Neediness is so common that we think it’s a sign of romantic love. But neediness is simply that – neediness. And this need will never be satisfied, for nobody – no matter how sweet, handsome, beautiful, gentle, extravagant, and attentive – can ever love your ego the way it wants to be loved.

At most, you will be satisfied for a period of time – the “honeymoon” phase, when you are “in love”, when everything seems perfect and beautiful. Your existence seems to have meaning, for someone needs you and loves you.

Then one day your needs and insecurities – all symptoms of the basic, primordial sense of fragmentation - raise their heads again. Or maybe it just seems that way – they had always been there, we just forgot about them for a while. And that’s when the arguments start, for we think it is the fault of the other person.

“You were supposed to make me happy!” you cry. And the sweetness, the smiles and the kisses begin to swing the other way. We become sad; we attack them for not making us happy; we manipulate them into giving us more. Maybe they give in, and the pendulum swings back into sweetness. Maybe they don’t, and we break up in tears and anger. This even seems normal.

But it is not their fault. No one can take away our primordial sense of separation except us. But we don’t know that, and so we go on complaining and pulling strings. We forget that the only way to be satisfied is to be satisfied in yourself.

Lonely people cannot Love; they can only pretend to, for they have nothing to give. They only give a plastic love, in the hope that someone will give real Love in return. Everything becomes a giant game; a chess match.

But when you no longer need to be needed, when you truly stop wanting to be wanted, that’s when your loneliness changes into aloneness. And you begin to see Love.

Dedicated to all those who are or have been lonely and alienated.

The misunderstandings

This article is perhaps the most misunderstood article I have ever written; and so I’d like to clear up some common misunderstandings here:

1. Loneliness – it is separate from aloneness; two different things. Our physical nature is to be alone. We can never, not be alone. Even if we are having sex, we are still relatively physically separate. But that is not a problem, it only causes sorrow when we run away from it. When we run from our nature, we cause our own pangs of loneliness… but when we acknowledge and embrace our nature, we find the beauty of aloneness.

2. And from aloneness, that is the beginning of true Romance. I am not saying everybody fakes love – I’m saying lonely people do; for they cannot love if they need. Love is the opposite of need. Once you stop needing, that is when you can find love. There are many who do truly love; there are many who do not expect anything in return – but those are the souls who have found aloneness.

3. Once you have stopped being needy, which is what I have called aloneness, that is when you can truly go out into the world and find a proper romance and relationships. Otherwise, it is likely to be neediness, attachment - and not real love. That is all I am saying, I’ve stated that many times throughout the post - that real Love cannot come from loneliness. I am not saying we should all be alone forever, although there’s definitely nothing wrong with that.

 當我們深深陷入寂寞時，什么能夠撫慰我們——什么能夠讓我們遠離寂寞？到底是什么？常常我們覺得沒有什么能夠安慰我們，想要擺脫寂寞就像要擺脫影子一樣不可能。在某種程度上確實如此，我們沒辦法逃離寂寞，我們總是出于寂寞之中。但實際上還是有一個辦法的。

我們?yōu)閿[脫寂寞所做的一切從根本上說是存在缺陷的，因為我們不理解我們正在逃離的東西的本質。其實寂寞也有她美麗的一面。當你看到并承認這一點，，學著以寂寞為樂時，你內心的某些東西便會開始慢慢發(fā)生變化。當寂寞變成孤獨感，你就自由了，就可以開始真正的愛情了！

破碎后找尋整體性

正如奧紹所說：第一件事就是要對孤獨形成認知。孤獨是我們的真正性質，我們永遠無法不孤單。我們孤單的來到這個世界，也將孤單的離開這個世界。而在這兩者之間，我們是孤單的——但是我們瘋狂的想要隱藏它、逃離它、假裝它并不真的存在。

我記得曾在心理課上對愛情依戀類型測試進行了一次分析，目的是了解對戀愛我們有多少把握（It aimed to discover how secure we are in our relationships）。其中一個問題是：“你是否想過要和愛人完全結合？”對這個問題的反應是屋子里爆發(fā)出一陣尷尬、猶豫的笑聲。他們似乎在說“多可笑！”不過，我保持沉默。過去的記憶擊中了我，我想起在很久之前曾經(jīng)感受過這樣深深的寂寞。活著也許它從來不曾真正離開過我——an alienation so deep that the only way out truly seemed to be melting into another person. 個異化如此之深，唯一的出路似乎是真正融化到另一個人。

在午餐人群中感到格格不入，和女朋友在一起時感覺孤單，對生活總像是局外人。我記得我掃試了一下周圍同學的臉，他們臉上的表情就好像他們的感受都一樣。

這種疏離感是人活著都要面對的困難——無法放松，無法親近。它幾乎驅使著我們所做的一切。寂寞和隔閡是我們自我內在的、永遠不能分離的的一部分。

在非對偶性——許多宗教和哲學的核心——教義中，關于這一點的解釋很簡單——我們都是無限、無時無刻不在、永恒的One Life中的一部分。我們緊密相連，不可分割。

那么，“自我”就是一種人們普遍存在的錯覺，是對“我”和我們所有人孤獨根源的夸大。當我們覺得我們是“我”時，也就創(chuàng)造了一個“無我”，一個異類，一切別的東西。我們成了一個片段，與其它存在剝離開來。我們成了這個世界上的一個點，被上帝遺忘掉。

這種的感覺，一些人——或許是那些在演講大廳里沒有笑的人——能夠意識到。它是一種深深地、持續(xù)不斷的不完整感和不滿足感。

對其他人，那些在測試中笑出聲的人來說，他們意識不到這種感覺。他們缺少某寫東西，自己卻不知道缺少的是什么。所以他們尋找、努力、奮斗，但卻一直搞不清楚他們試圖填補的是什么。他們拼命獲得更多的財產(chǎn)、的性、地位、權利、贊譽……幾乎所有的努力都源于自我完善的驅動。但所有的一切都是徒勞，我們把自己的精力扔進了一個無底洞。我們努力實現(xiàn)的正是造成我們匱乏的原因。

愛情和酒

愛情可能是最常見的掩蓋感的辦法。如果我們感到孤單，必然會覺得我們需要一個特殊的人！這一充滿邏輯的冷漠想法，就像是商業(yè)交易。你只是想找個男朋友、女朋友、情人、某個人或者任何人都行！我們只是想要掩飾我們的悲傷——這和濫用酒精、開著電視只為了制造聲音、煲電話粥直到身邊出現(xiàn)一個人沒什么區(qū)別——就像我們的時間多的不得了一樣。

性是我們在生理上能夠最接近一個人的辦法，這就是為什么人們這么熱衷于此。當我們關注我們的心靈時，感還會出現(xiàn)，還會需要我們去系緊、去粘結、去融化和合并。有多少人意識到了這種匱乏？這種原始的疏離感有多普遍？普遍到足以變?yōu)橐粋�標準化的心理測試。

所以我們期待著能有人幫我們趕走這種感覺。當我們和某個人在一起時，我們能夠讓自己的思緒脫離這種不和諧的背景感覺。我們的存在似乎突然變得有意義了。當你們擁抱、親吻時，你會驚嘆“我不再是一個人了！有人需要我、想要我了！我漂亮，被需要，值得愛！我再也不孤單了！”

但是，他們也僅僅是掩蓋而已，永遠都是。即使和我們愛的那個人在一起，我們也還是我們自己，也還是孤單。

幾周前，我在一個富裕國家的夜總會區(qū)看了一部關于“host”亞文化的紀錄片。它圍繞著一個英俊的年輕男子展開，這個男子穿著俗麗，具有高潮的誘惑手段，付費在一些特殊的酒吧附近閑逛。他們主動接近女性，通常是年輕、漂亮、富有的女性，這些女性會因他們的陪伴、愛撫和甜言蜜語而付費給他們。

電影著重突出了這座城市里最優(yōu)秀的一個“host”，這是一個迷人的男子，擁有自己的酒吧。他生活在夢中。他與女性交往的能力讓其他男人相比之下變得很蒼白。他從丈夫和男朋友身邊偷走他們的女人。女人們爭奪他，有時候用身體，有時候用錢，每天陪他過夜的女人都不同。好像他是這世界上的最不可能有疏離感的男人。

我記得影片接近結尾的時候，有個記者問他這一切是否值得。他搖著頭發(fā)出一聲嘆息，“最初幾年里所有的一切都很有趣，但過了一段時間……我不知道那是什么感覺。這些都不要緊了。我是這世界上最孤單的人。”

孤獨的美麗和寂寞的悲哀

如果愛情和性，如果金錢、名利和贊譽都沒辦法幫我們解脫，那么我們該怎么辦？當你感到陣陣心痛和孤單，完整性和相互依存的教義對你有什么用？除非你能夠體會它們提出的一切，否則它們怎么能安慰你？

那些漂亮話充滿了你的頭腦，但是當你合上書，轉身去看你的床時，發(fā)現(xiàn)它還是像以前一樣的冰冷、寂寞。如果我們能夠永遠都不在寂寞，那會發(fā)生什么？ All I can offer is a change of perspective.我所能提供的改變觀點。

引用奧紹的另一句話：孤獨是美麗的，崇高的。寂寞是悲傷的，絕望的。

表面看來他們都一樣，但實際上它們有天壤之別。

孤獨是我們的本性，而寂寞使我們想要逃離的。

你是孤單的。這有什么問題？在孤獨和悲傷中放松自己。不要逃離孤獨，因為人總是孤獨的。為感到孤單慶祝，取悅自己，在孤單中舞蹈。如果你做不到，你就只能永遠逃跑。愛你自己。這是唯一的解決辦法。

只要坐下來，孤獨地。不要去思考，只要去感受。放松自己進入它，然后你會發(fā)現(xiàn)你的悲傷自有它的神圣之處。孤獨是審視自己的完美的機會。查看你所有的微妙之處，誠實地面對自己，注視所有你不愿意注視的地方。把所有這些都帶到你的意識里，接受它們并愛上它們。

為了躲開孤單，我們去城市、去辦公室、去夜總會。而教師、大師、禪師，他們去山上以便能夠更好的熟悉它。一旦你取悅自己，那時候——也只有那時候——你才能真正的取悅別人。這是自相矛盾的，是這個世界上最重要的事中的一件。只有不再需要情人了，你才能夠找到愛情。別的都是騙局，都是蒼白的仿制品。

被需要和被愛

一個騙局。這就是愛情的全部。誰和我們的愛情真正相關？我們，只有我們自己。我們說我愛你，但我們真正的意思是愛我吧。一切都是手段（Manipulation is all it is）。

填補我們缺口的手段，所以我們感到被愛被需要。實際上，我們把這兩個詞鬧混了，對我們來說被需要就和在戀愛一樣！

一個朋友向我們抱怨說有些事很奇怪。她丈夫已經(jīng)開始發(fā)現(xiàn)孤單的樂趣，他變得愛思考，更滿足，更快樂。和她在一起時他很愛她，并且經(jīng)常笑，但他也很享受自己獨處的時間。他開始覺得自己不再缺少什么，不再需要她才覺得完整。

這讓她很抓狂。她變得很擔心，滿腦子猜疑。他為什么如此滿足，如此高興？他在公園單獨散步時都做些什么？是不是有了另一個女人？她跟蹤他，但沒發(fā)現(xiàn)任何不對頭的事情，他只是在散步而已。他一個人在書房時，她會監(jiān)視他，但也沒發(fā)現(xiàn)任何不對頭的事情，他只是打坐、閱讀、祈禱。沒有禁忌之愛，也沒有奇怪的迷戀。

她哭著說：“為什么會這樣？到底發(fā)生了什么？”她在煩惱什么？這是個更好的問題。他不再需要她了，對她來說這就像他在放棄愛情。但他沒有——實際上，他第一次愛上了她。

需求如此普遍以至于我們認為她是浪漫愛情的一個跡象。但是需求只是需求，就是這么簡單。并且這種需求永遠無法滿足，因為沒有人——不管這個人多甜美、英俊、美麗、溫柔、奢華、周到——都不能想你的自我想要的那樣愛你。

大多數(shù)情況下，某一段時間你會感到滿足——當一切似乎都很完美、沒事的時候，比如蜜月階段，或者戀愛階段。因為有人需要你、愛你，所以你的存在似乎也有了意義。

直到有一天，你的需求和不安全感——所有基本、原始的癥狀——會重新抬起頭來。或許它只是看上去這樣，而實際上它們一直存在著，只是我們把它們遺忘了一段時間。爭論就此開始，因為我們都認為這是對方的錯。

你哭著說：“你應該讓我高興！”甜蜜、微笑、親吻都開始擺向另一端。我們變得悲傷，我們指責他們沒有讓我們開心，我們試圖操縱他們，讓他們給我們更多。也許他們會屈服，然后鐘擺會擺回原來的甜蜜。也許他們不屈服，我們就會不可抑制的流淚、發(fā)怒。這甚至似乎很正常。

但這不是他們的錯。除了我們自己，沒人能幫我們趕走原始意義上的分離。但我們不知道這一點，所以我們繼續(xù)抱怨、繼續(xù)收線。我們忘了唯一能滿足我們的只有自己。

寂寞的人不會愛，他們只能假裝，因為他們沒有任何東西可以給與別人。他們只能給別人塑料愛情，并希望別人回報給他們真正的愛情。一切都變成了一個巨大的游戲，一次國際象棋比賽。

但是當你不再需要被別人需要時，當你真正停止想要被要時，你的寂寞就變成了孤單，你就可以看到愛了。

獻給那些現(xiàn)在或曾經(jīng)寂寞、疏離的人們。

誤解

本文可能是我寫過的最容易被誤讀的文章，所以我想在這里澄清一些普遍的誤解：

1. 寂寞Loneliness —這和孤獨不同，它們完全是兩種東西。我們的物理本質就是孤立。但我們永遠都不會是一個人。即使我們做愛，我們的身體仍然是相對獨立的。但是這不是什么問題，我們只有在逃避它時才會覺得悲傷。當我們逃避自己的本性是，我們使自己感受到寂寞的痛苦……但是，我們承認并接受我們的本性是，我們會發(fā)現(xiàn)孤獨的美麗。

2. 孤獨是真正愛情的開始。我不是說每個人都在假裝愛，我只是說寂寞的人會這樣，因為他們需要愛而不能愛。愛是與需要相反的東西。一旦你聽只需要，你就能夠發(fā)現(xiàn)愛了。有很多人他們真的愛著別人，有很多人不求回報，但他們都是發(fā)現(xiàn)了孤獨的人。

3. 一旦你停止渴求，也就是我所說的寂寞，你就可以真正的融入這個世界，尋找一份穩(wěn)妥的愛情。否則，它可能是需求、依戀，而不是真正的愛。這就是我想說的，我已經(jīng)在全文中多次指出，寂寞不能帶來真正的愛情。我不是說我們應該永遠獨自一個人，盡管這樣做肯定沒什么錯。