Is your life ruled by love or by fear? Love and fear are opposite emotional attitudes that shape our life in very different ways. The psychoanalyst John McMurray describes the difference like this:
"The fear-determined have no sun in themselves and go about putting out the sun in other people. The love-determined have life in them, abundant life. They are the people who are really alive, of whom it can be said that they possess eternal life as a well within them perpetually."

Life is a lot more beautiful and vivid if it is determined by love and not by fear. I’m sure you can imagine that someone determined completely by love would be a kind of saint. In contrast, most of us ordinary human beings are determined by both forces, love and fear. However, in my experience, even a tiny shift towards love—and away from fear—can bring a lot more Happiness.

Here are 7 tips that you can move towards love and away from fear.

1. Cultivate gratitude

Gratitude makes us feel happier. If you remember to be grateful for the blessings of your life, you start to feel more connected to yourself and others. When you let go of niggles and embrace gratitude instead, love springs up.

2. Reality-test your fear

Sometimes fear can be like a cloud that keeps out the sunlight. Then everything feels huge and oppressive. A simple way to deal with fear is to test its reality. Write down three things that you are afraid of. Then look at each point and ask yourself, “Is this fear really grounded in reality?” I know that when I do this, I often find that my fears are unfounded. It’s like living in a shadow-land, peering into the future and expecting bad things to happen.

3. Take action

Fear is often born out of inaction. For example, if you get a sense that your health is impaired, but you don't check it out with a doctor, you may start to imagine that you are heading for a major health crisis. (I could fill a whole notebook with illnesses I once thought I had - but never actually got!) Once you've been to a doctor and reviewed the problems, the steps towards renewed health may seem much more manageable.

Taking action is the best antidote to fear. Once you start to address the issues one by one, fears shrink and may even disappear.

4. Cultivate friendships

Good friends are important because they teach us to love. It's often much easier to love a good friend than it is to love and forgive our partner. Friends are lasting companions in life. It’s good to talk with them when we feel afraid. They can give us a fresh perspective on what is troubling us.

5. Be generous

In the quote above, John McMurray points out that fear-determined people have no sun in themselves and "go about putting out the sun in other people." Fear makes us narrow-minded and we tend to put down others. Here is how I deal with that: when I notice I'm getting negative, I put a small pebble into one of my pockets. Each time I catch myself using a put-down, I quietly shift the pebble into the other pocket and say to myself kindly, "Well, maybe I can say that differently next time."

6. Practise kindness

Kindness is 'love-in-action'. It’s good to make a habit of it. The trick is to notice what people need. Here is an example: yesterday I was talking to a stall-holder at a farmers' market who fashions wooden spoons. He saw that I was carrying a bag of luscious, fresh corncobs. He said, "Oh, they look nice!" Then he sighed, "Oh well, by the time I've finished selling at my stand they’ll have all gone." I offered to get some for him. It was a small action but it made us both feel good. Try and spot one occasion each day when you can be of help.

7. Open your awareness

Fear tends to make us focus inwards. A way out of is to do the opposite and open your awareness to include everything around you. For example, if you notice anxious thoughts, open you mind and listen to sounds around you. Maybe you can hear birdsong, or traffic noise, or children playing. This has an instant calming effect and fear wanes.

If you follow these 7 tips, you'll move towards more love and less fear in your life. Soon you will notice an upsurge of Happiness and contentment, instead of fear and anxiety.

What is your experience of living with love or with fear? Maybe you could share your special way of inviting love into your life and saying "good-bye" to fear?

你的生活是被愛(ài)控制還是被恐懼控制？愛(ài)和恐懼是相反的情感態(tài)度，用不同的方式形成我們的生活。心理分析學(xué)者約翰.麥可姆雷這樣形容它們的區(qū)別：“恐懼支配者自己的生活中沒(méi)有陽(yáng)光，同時(shí)也把別人生活中的陽(yáng)光清除掉。愛(ài)支配者擁有生命力，有豐富多彩的生活。他們才是真正活著的人，他們才可以說(shuō)是擁有永恒的生命，擁有永恒的源泉。

當(dāng)生活被愛(ài)而非恐懼所支配的時(shí)候，它會(huì)更加美麗生動(dòng)。我可以確信當(dāng)你想象一個(gè)完全被愛(ài)所支配的人會(huì)是一個(gè)圣徒。相反的，我們大多數(shù)普通人都是被愛(ài)和恐懼這兩種力量所支配。但是，以我的經(jīng)驗(yàn)來(lái)看，即使是趨向愛(ài)的一小步——同時(shí)遠(yuǎn)離恐懼——都可以帶來(lái)許多快樂(lè)。

這里有七個(gè)技巧幫助你趨向愛(ài)而遠(yuǎn)離恐懼。

1,培養(yǎng)感恩之心

感恩之心讓我們感到更快樂(lè)。如果你記得生活對(duì)你的祝福同時(shí)感激萬(wàn)分，你會(huì)開(kāi)始覺(jué)得你與自己和他人的聯(lián)系更加緊密。當(dāng)你丟棄了小氣轉(zhuǎn)而擁抱感激的時(shí)候，愛(ài)會(huì)涌泉而出。

2，測(cè)試恐懼的真實(shí)性

有時(shí)候恐懼像烏云一樣阻止了陽(yáng)光，然后每樣?xùn)|西都感覺(jué)變得巨大和難以忍受。一個(gè)簡(jiǎn)單的檢驗(yàn)恐懼的方法是測(cè)試它的真實(shí)性。寫下三件你所害怕的事情。然后，看著每一件事問(wèn)你自己，“這種恐懼現(xiàn)實(shí)中真的存在嗎？”我知道每次我這樣做的時(shí)候，我經(jīng)常發(fā)現(xiàn)我的恐懼是毫無(wú)理由的，就好像我們生活在陰影籠罩的地方，對(duì)未來(lái)產(chǎn)生懷疑，同時(shí)認(rèn)為不好事情會(huì)發(fā)生。

3，采取行動(dòng)

恐懼通常產(chǎn)生于不作為。舉個(gè)例子，如果你覺(jué)得你身體的健康狀況下降了，但是你又不去醫(yī)生那里檢查是否如此，你可能開(kāi)始想象你正面臨著一場(chǎng)健康大危機(jī)。（我可以把曾經(jīng)想到過(guò)的疾病寫滿一整張紙，但實(shí)際上它們根本沒(méi)有發(fā)生過(guò)。）一旦你去見(jiàn)過(guò)了醫(yī)生，重新審視了那些的問(wèn)題，重塑健康的步驟看起來(lái)會(huì)更容易管理。

采取行動(dòng)是控制恐懼的最好方法。一旦你一個(gè)一個(gè)解決問(wèn)題，恐懼會(huì)越來(lái)越少甚至都消失了。

4，培養(yǎng)友誼

好朋友是很重要的，因?yàn)樗麄兘虝?huì)我們?cè)鯓尤��?ài)。相比起愛(ài)和原諒我們的搭檔，愛(ài)一個(gè)好朋友會(huì)更容易些。朋友是我們生活持久的伙伴。當(dāng)我們害怕時(shí)和朋友交談是很好的，他們會(huì)給我們一個(gè)嶄新的視點(diǎn)來(lái)看待正在困擾我們的問(wèn)題。

5，寬宏大量

在前述引用中，約翰.麥克雷姆指出被恐懼支配者的生活中沒(méi)有陽(yáng)光同時(shí)“把別人生活中的陽(yáng)光也清除掉”。恐懼使我們心胸狹隘，我們經(jīng)常會(huì)去羞辱其他人。我是這樣處理這個(gè)問(wèn)題的：當(dāng)我注意到我變得消極的時(shí)候，我會(huì)在我的一個(gè)口袋里放一顆鵝卵石。每次我抓到自己對(duì)別人奚落的行為時(shí)，我會(huì)把這顆鵝卵石放到另一個(gè)口袋里，溫和的對(duì)自己說(shuō)，“下次，我也許可以用不同的方式來(lái)說(shuō)這件事。”

6，練習(xí)友善

友善是行為中的愛(ài)。形成友善的習(xí)慣很好。它的技巧就是注意別人的需要。舉個(gè)例子：昨天我在農(nóng)貿(mào)市場(chǎng)和制作和出售木勺的攤主聊天。他看到我拎了一袋新鮮又甘美的玉米棒子，說(shuō)：“這些真好！”接著嘆氣道：“唉，等我收攤的時(shí)候它們都已經(jīng)賣完了。”我就拿了一些給他。這只是一件小事，但是讓我們兩個(gè)人都很開(kāi)心。每天，在我們可以提供幫助的一個(gè)場(chǎng)所嘗試著提供幫助。

7，打開(kāi)心懷

恐懼讓我們只關(guān)注內(nèi)心。走出恐懼的一個(gè)方法是做相反的事情，打開(kāi)你的心懷，關(guān)注圍繞的你的一切事情。比如，你注意到焦慮的想法，打開(kāi)你的心門，聽(tīng)聽(tīng)周圍的聲音。也許你會(huì)聽(tīng)到鳥(niǎo)鳴聲，交通嘈雜聲，以及小孩玩耍的聲音。這些有立即讓你鎮(zhèn)定的作用，恐懼也就慢慢消退了。

當(dāng)你采取了上述七點(diǎn)，你會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)你的生活愛(ài)越來(lái)越多，恐懼越拉越少。不久，你會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)你到了一個(gè)幸福和滿足的高潮，取代了恐懼和焦慮。

和愛(ài)或者恐懼生活在一起，你的經(jīng)歷又是怎樣的呢？也許你可以讓我們分享你獨(dú)特的邀請(qǐng)愛(ài)進(jìn)入你的生活而和恐懼說(shuō)再見(jiàn)的方法？